It's easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my proud
Leving New York, never easy
I saw the light fading out
-- R.E.M, "Leaving New York"
I can’t believe the summer I’ve just had. So perfect, it might as well be a dream. I’ll never understand how I ever got so lucky, never know how I ended up with so much without having to give anything in return. Then again, I could care less about understanding; that was one experience I’ll ready accept without an explanation.
I had been dreading leaving New York even before I got there. Well, R.E.M is right, leaving New York’s not easy. As it turns out though, leaving the SURPies is just as hard. I can’t believe how much I miss it all. I got so used to seeing everyone, so used to the full time work schedule, so used to the speed walks around the streets, the buildings, the aimless wonderings, the subway rides, the sarcastic snide remarks that we were all so fond of. Now, I’m just sitting here, occupying myself with applications, books, newspapers, family, whatever comes my way, to keep my mind off of New York, to keep my mind off of the program. I’m being quite productive, surprisingly cheerful, but in the back of my mind I’m always wanting everything to be as it was. I’m always waiting for Henrike’s anecdotes about Germany, for Carlos to come ring the doorbell over and over again, for David’s your mom jokes, for Dorian’s horrible nicknames, for Bryan’s splooshy flip flops. I’m wanting all of this to happen, knowing all the time that they won’t, and continuing with life anyway. It’s not as painful as I’d imagined- just as long as I don’t think about the subway when I’m driving, just as long as I keep Lexington Ave. off my mind when I wake up. That’s hard to do, but manageable.
I suppose I’ll always remember the movies on Bryant Park, the walks around Central Park, the lab work, your mom jokes, the science talks, and lets not forget the vegetarian talks. I’ll always remember everything we did in our pictures, in our blogs. But I’m afraid I’ll forget how I felt when I was doing those things. I’m afraid I’ll forget how amazing it was to find the telectroscope, how surreal it really was to watch Young Frankenstein from the front row, how serene it was to be in Strawberry Fields. I’m afraid I’ll forget how painful it was to leave it all. I’m afraid I’ll forget how I really felt when I walked around Union Sqaure for the last time, when we left Manhattan, when I didn’t want to leave David at the airport, when I sobbed my way through the security line.
Saying goodbye to the city, to all of you, was difficult. But it would have been worse if I’d thought I’d never see you again. Well, I don’t know when we’ll run into each other. At interviews? conferences? Honestly, I could care less, just as long as we run into each other sometime. Just as long as I end up in New York at some point.
I can't wait to be back in Athens and see folks there. I know I'll feel fine as soon as I'm back. But, I also can't wait to be done with my last year and start grad school. I guess that's just the way it crumbles, cookie-wise =)
